Bricklyn’s “Great Donut Debate” Heads to the Federal Council

January 31, 2023

by Eric Tiler Corman, The Bricklyn Eagle’s political correspondent.

    Summary of Article ➤ “The Great Donut Debate” heads to the Federal Council for action as partisans line up on both sides of the issue.

    Federal Chancellor Malter Thurnbrick outside Federal Council chambers.

    Federal Chancellor Malter Thurnbrick has announced that the Federal Council at its February 8th meeting will take up the increasingly contentious “great donut debate,” as it considers whether to ban  the consumption of donuts, a position advocated by a growing number of Bricklynites.

    For several years Bricklyn has prided itself on being “The Donut Capital of America.” Donuts have become a staple of many Bricklynites’ daily diet.

    Homer Simpson being taken in for booking at police station.

    However, as we have previously reported, a surge in crime has been largely attributed to donut theft. This crime wave has rocked Bricklyn’s previously tranquil streets. Indeed, Mr. Homer Simpson was recently booked for this heinous activity (see photo on left).

    Concern over donut overconsumption has also been taken up as a rallying cry by Preacher Johnny Plater Kahn and his adherents, who blame donuts for the wrath of God being wreaked on Bricklyn through thunderous booms filling the skies almost every day.

    Pastor Kahn and his followers rail against donut over-consumption.

    But Kahn is not alone in casting aspersions on donuts, as many others have blamed donuts, if not for being the cause of divine punishment, then at least for adding unhealthy pounds to Bricklynites’ waistlines.

    Donut deniers have coalesced, and are seeking to ban the sale of donuts. According to Henry Brickbelly, leader of the newly formed advocacy group, “NoDos,” “we’re going to our Federal Councilors, the people we’ve elected, to tell them we no longer want donuts in Bricklyn.” As Brickbelly added, “it’s time to look for something else to have with coffee.”

    Le Bricklyn Hotel
    Le Bricklyn Hotel, where croissants, not donuts, are served.

    With the opening of Le Bricklyn Hotel, the Realm’s first French hotel, members of the influential Bricklyn Chapter of the Alliance Française are in sync with Brickbelly’s suggestion, as they are advocating for a switch to croissants, offering as a solution the conversion of Bricklyn’s donut shops into patisseries. As Alliance Board member Bill Tiler French put it, “Les Bricklynites vont rapidement développer un amour pour les croissants!”

    Donut proponents, however, are also raising their voices. Tom Brickorti, President of the Bricklyn Chamber of Commerce, told us, “donuts are critical to our Realm’s tourist economy,” noting that “the boom in donut shops [resulting from the Simpson family’s relocation to Bricklyn in January 2020], has led to a significant increase in tourism.”

    Tom Brickorti of the Bricklyn Chamber of Commerce
    Tom Brickorti of the Bricklyn Chamber of Commerce.

    Brickorti reports that Simpson fans from both Outland and Inland cities “want to eat in the same donut shops where Homer Simpson eats, and perhaps even catch sight of the celebrity.”

    The Bricklyn Patrolmen’s Benevolent Association (BPBA) has also taken a stand in favor of donuts. As part of their 2022 contract negotiations with the City of Bricklyn, the BPBA even demanded the opening of a donut shop inside the main station house. The City agreed not only to this, but also to providing a per diem of a half dozen donuts per officer.

    Donuts in their right hands, CuDo coins in their left hands. Will the Federal Council end everyday Bricklyn scenes like this?

    What’s more, Bricklyn traditionalists have pointed to Bricklyn’s very currency, the CopperDonut or CuDo, as symbolic of the longstanding love affair Bricklynites have with donuts. “Will the banning of donuts,” Brickorti asked, “mean we will have to replace our cherished CuDos with dollars and cents? I certainly hope not!” ✥

    The Bricklyn Eagle will be covering the Federal Council’s February 8th meeting, to be held in the Federal Building’s Dunk the Donut meeting room.

    Where do you stand on the Great Donut Debate? As a Friend of Bricklyn, your reaction is valued. Send your comments or questions to Bricklyn Eagle Editor Walt Brickman:

    Reader Questions & Comments on “Head Pop-Offs” and “The Great Donut Debate”

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